Reorganizing

Hello everyone. I hope the world is treating you all well today...

Picked up my new shelves yesterday. Woot. I'm going to be setting them up today and work on reorganizing my room. I'm going to have to move my desk out of the closet and put my dresser in there and have the TV-stand/shelves on the one wall. It'll (hopefully) look nice once all is said and done...I just need to figure out what to do with the desk. Anyone want to buy a wooden desk?

I worked until 11:30 last night as a cashier - first time I've done that in about two years. It was kind of odd...and frustrating being the only cashier on for two hours. I survived though, but it was annoying none-the-less. I start my work in the Variety Department next week - that's going to be a rough transition, but I'll hopefully get into a stable sleep cycle after the first week.

Not much to say today really, nothing new and terribly exciting.  Going to see about trying to scan some of my old photos today. It's on the to-do list...we'll see if it gets done. For now, I am off to the basement to be productive and work on my room. Wish me luck! *Runs off*

Done Some Searching

I've done a lot of soul searching tonight...

Joshua's birthday party was earlier, I wasn't able to attend all of the festivities due to certain problems. I came home and rested, watched some Buffy DVDs, talked to a few friends and rested. Later, I began surfing online and somehow came upon the photo album of someone I don't much like. Flipping through the album I came to some realizations, powerful but overly simple in their design...

Flipping past pictures of parties and bar nights I was reminded of events over the past few years of my life. Nights wasted stressing over drunk individuals and searching for a fun night out. I was reminded about how I thought at the time that I liked that life, the person I was turning into, the people I spent my time with. In retrospect I'm disgusted with how far I fell. I allowed myself to transform into one of those heartless, shallow people that I look down upon...one of the people that I'm better then.

Yes you may be thinking that's a little harsh, but just bear with me a moment...

I strayed from who I really am, and started to become someone I didn't really like. I ended up losing some friends and eventually lost the one person I really loved in this world. I screwed up my life even more then it's screwed up now. Instead of dealing with it, I just blocked it out. I paid for that mistake...rather then dealing with it then I spent eight month fighting to become happy again. I struggled each day to feel again, to become the person I once was.

Tonight I realize that isn't possible. I can't turn back the clock and change into who I was. I am different then I was two years ago. I'm more experienced, wiser and a better person. I can look back and see how I've grown, and how I will continue to grow. Looking back at those pictures and all those people I can't stand I realize that I never again want to be part of that world. Instead I look to my own photos and see memories of the people I care about, the people I love.

Sure, life is hell right now, but I'll continue on. I'm stubborn and I don't give up...it's part of what makes me who I am. I'll keep on writing, and working and studying, and I'll live my life. I don't know if that'll be here in Winnipeg, in Ottawa or beyond...but it'll be my life, and sure it might not be perfect, and it might not be like how it was two years ago...but it'll be my life to live. Thanks Ty, for making me thinking about things in a different light.

Time to get some rest and prepare to face a new day...

Thoughts In The Morning

Almost six AM and no sleep in sight. I can't seem to shut off my brain; it just continues to play songs, run through scenarios and rehash the same old thoughts in a continual cycle. "Does anybody even notice? Does anybody even care?" I've been watching a fair amount of Buffy lately, and CSI...the last quote being from 'Once More With Feeling.' Music sometimes helps...sometimes it makes it worse.

Round and round my brain goes and no matter how hard I try, I can't attain any sort of rest. I can't silence the voices in my head. The clock reads 5:45AM currently, I should have been in bed long ago. Well, I've been in bed, but I should have been asleep long ago. I have classes in a few hours, and then work after that.

I've been playing my instruments more lately, piano and flute mostly. Gonna break out the clarinet on Friday if I get a chance before work. Work till midnight, with Terri. Joy, bitterness abounds. And so the unstable cycle continues as I spiral into madness. Lack of sleep leads to lack of sanity...or maybe it's the other way around, I don't know anymore.

5:50AM. Tick tock goes the Cat & Bird Clock. It makes sense, really it does.

I lack reasonable direction in my life. Looking back at once was my existance I knew what I wanted, what lay ahead. Tomorrow is now a mystery. I second guess every decision, every idea. Am I doing what's best for me? What is really the ideal choice, what will bring me closer to happiness? What is happiness? Right now happiness would be a decent night sleep.

I understand that my ramblings have become arbitrary and difficult to read as of late. As such I wish to apologize to anyone who even reads this anymore. 5:55AM. Still no sleep in sight. I know that a lot of what I am putting down in words makes no sense, or appears more nonsensicale then my usual updates and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things lately, but that is all I can apologize for at this juncture.

Birthdays are coming up soon, Joshua, my mother, Carla. Countless others really, but none that are significant to me. Happy Birthday, I hope you all get what you want; whether it be a gift, a trip in the tropical sun or true happiness. Just be content and enjoy your day. I had a great birthday, finished a novel, spent time with loved ones. That seems so long ago, like a lost dream. A very merry unbirthday to everyone else, by the way.

6:00AM, time to wrap this up. Randomness concluded, for now. I'll take another stab at sleep...maybe the voices will be a little calming this time around. Good night, or good morning...not really sure which is which anymore.

Get Those Juices Flowin'

Training to work in a new Department at work...not sure whether to consider that a curse or a blessing. I guess we'll find out in February. Stay tuned!

I've been singing to myself a lot lately, in the car mostly. I take my iPod with me almost anywhere I go, which is nice, I always have good music with me. I went shopping in St. Vital Centre yesterday, shopping to my own soundtrack, which was nice. Speaking of Soundtracks, I've updated the Aeternus, Season 1 info here on my site, and I'm currently beginning to compile music for Season 2. Woot. I'm also trying to compile a soundtrack for my novel writing, we'll see how that goes.

My creative juices have been flowing a lot more lately, something I'm glad about. My newest novel is based primarily in Ottawa, a protectorate of the Dominion of Canada and focuses on the adventures of Special Agent Liz Partridge (I'm still looking for a better name...suggestions welcome). The story begins with three familiar characters, Liz, Rafael Delauri (slightly re-written) and the ever frustrating Colin Faith. All of the other characters have been left behind in Winnipeg, while I endevour to refine my character building skills. We'll see how this newest project works out...

I think I'm going to sign up for NaNoWriMo in November 2006. A ways away, yes, but I need to think about it in advance. Thoughts?

Well it's about time I head off for now. As always, feedback is welcome. Take care, and hopefully in a few days I should have a profile for Liz for anyone who's interested. G'night!

Decision Time

Worked 1:30-5:30 today...yipee. It was f*ing freezing cold in the store.

I have to vote in less then a week and I'm still not really sure where my support lays. The more I read in the papers and online the more I struggle with my vote. On a provincial level the choice is easy...the NDP supports students more then any other party. On a Federal level though? My father seems to think the NDP "aren't in touch with reality," everyone is claiming the Liberals are corrupt...I refuse to go Conservative and well...what's left? We have a Green Party candidate. Ha! Yeah, right. Oh well, I guess I have a week to decide. Maybe some change is good...but Conservative change? I think not.

Day off tomorrow, excellent. Survive a few classes and then come home and relax. It'll be good.

I've been trying to eat healthier lately, for all the good it'll do me. I've been trying to cut out some of the greasier/fattier foods I normally eat, and I've seriously cut back on the sugar. I know, I know...I live off sugar, but it's going to kill me eventually. One slurpee in two weeks...wow. I'm still only really eating one (maybe two) meals a day, but at least they're healthier meals. I'm also trying to cut back on the pop...somewhat. We'll see if it helps at all.

Hmmm, tomorrow I should go running, maybe do some weights.

I've been working on some sort of "profile" for Liz, the main character in my two novels. I'm still in debates about her last name. Currently her name is Elizabeth Partridge, but honestly I don't like that name. Any suggestions for a last (and middle) name would be greatly appreciated. Once I figure out a suitable name I'll post a mini profile here on my MSN Space.

That's about it from me for now...have a nice night everyone. Rambling done.

Let's talk this over it's not like we're dead,
Was it something I did, was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead,
Held up so high on such a breakable thread,


You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought we could be,
You were everything everything that I wanted,
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it,
All the memories so close to me just fade away,
All this time you were just pretending,
So much for my happy ending...

City of Ice

This morning I woke up to find the city covered in a thin layer of ice...beautiful and terrible.

I've had a rather blah weekend. Worked on Friday and Saturday, went out on Friday. Saturday I just slept and relaxed and from the look of it that's the plan for today as well. Worked until 6:15 today, as per usual on most Sundays. No big plans for the week so far, mostly just work. It's Joshua's birthday on Saturday.

Just watching CSI right now with Lizzy. She likes my space heater is seems. I've been watching a lot of TV lately, it's been keeping me occupied. I'm also continuing to slowly work on my second novel. It definitely won't be done in 31 days, but I'll get it done eventually. I've also been reading the Screenwriting Book Jackie got me (thanks BTW) and perhaps in time I'll get a screenplay off the ground. That'll be my objective for the summer months. Who knows, maybe one day soon I'll be a published novelist and screenwriter. Who knows.

I think if I can find a job, I might be moving to Ottawa...

Ottawa

Hey everyone. It's been something like five days since I've updated this thing...it's time for more. Nothing is really new, been doing a lot of thinking lately. Don't know what to do, but I'm slowly figuring things out...

Saw Brokeback Mountain last night. It was okay. It was a good movie and I can see why people like it, but I wasn't particularily excited about it. I wasn't in the greatest mood yesterday, so that didn't help. I went running yesterday, hurt like a b*tch today because of it. Oh well, I need to get back into running on a regular basis.

I've been seriously considering moving to Ottawa lately. I've started looking online for jobs and possible appartments. It likely won't be until the spring if I do go, but I'm seriously looking at options. I'm going to look into the possibility of transfering credits to the University of Ottawa and if I can find a good enough job, we'll see about me moving. I know people there, and I've wanted to go there for a while now, so why not? Sure I have reasons to stay, but I also have reasons to go.

I don't intend on making any serious decisions just yet. I need some time to sort things out here before I leave and that could take some time. We'll see what happens though.

I'm going to head off now though, trying to get an early night. Yay for having the day off tomorrow. Hopefully I'll take the chance to work out again and get rid of the stiffness in my bones. Have a great night everyone and I shall see you all soon. Take care.

Seeking Answers

Saw the Chronicles of Narnia again tonight with Carly. It was enjoyable and helped clear my head a little bit. I enjoyed looking at the finer details this time around. That will definitely need to be a movie I'll buy when it comes out on DVD. I've been spending a lot of time in my room and with the TV on, it was good to get out and do something. Doesn't make things better, but it helped for a bit. Thanks Carly.

I still feel lost. I've been thinking a lot lately and have a lot of questions...

What do I want to do with my life?
What sort of career do I want?
Where do I want to end up? Winnipeg? Ottawa? Elsewhere?
What about school? UW, UM, UO? Drop Out?
Anthropology? English? Something New?
Do I want to focus on my second novel? Is it worth it? Am I any good?
Do I wait? Give up?

The list goes on. I know a few things...but there's still so much I have to sit down and figure out. Hopefully I'll sort it all out on Saturday. Jessica gave me some good advice the other day..."don't do whatever you think others want you to do, do what's best for you." Maybe with any luck I can figure out what's the best for me.

Tomorrow's a busy day, need to work, school, dinner at Chris & Darla's. With any luck Crystal and I will go out, or rent a movie or something. We both need it. Saturday's objective is to figure out my life. I need to sort through my room and maybe even go through all my stuff stored away. Keeping occupied will help I hope.

Tonight I leave you with a quote...if you know who it's from feel free to guess.

"Life is a turbulent storm, one we must face alone. We navigate it and come out stronger in the end. Ride the storm and always remember that clear skies lay on the horizon."

A Year Upon Reflection

The Year, Two-Thousand And Five.

A lot happened in 2005, both good and bad. I wouldn't call it an exceptional year and I can't call the whole year a disaster. It was like a never-ending roller-coaster - impossible to predict but enjoyable none-the-less. So here is 2005 in reflection...

- In October I completed a novel, 50,000+ words in 31 days. The first draft has been completed and I am currently on the editing process. At least a dozen people have all read the book so far with multiple points of view, however the results have been positive. I have since start the slow process of beginning a second book. People actually recognized me, "You're the guy writing that book." Wow, that was scary.

- Early on in the year I reached a drastic low in my life. I wasn't sleeping, eating and I was getting rather violent. I punched a cement wall and trust me, it's no fun. Hurts like hell. I chose to vent my frustrations to a friend, which ultimately complicated matters more. Glad that's over with.

- Work has been, well, the same. I've had my ups and downs. I'm still bitter about parts of the union and such but I take it all day-to-day. It's paying money and I can't complain with that. I quit working in the File Department, which means I don't have to do those stupid Sunday Morning shifts anymore. Thank the gods.

- This summer I went on possibly the best trip ever. It was my first time to the United States and a bunch of us packed up in Joshua's car and drove down to Minneapolis, St. Louis and then to Ottawa and Toronto. I had a blast and took hundreds of photographs. Things really started to look up in my life after that trip and things sort of fell into place.

- After several years I finally left the Scimitar this year. I'm still involved in A Call To Duty and Epic Chronicles but no where near the level I was a few years ago. I don't feel like that is my place anymore. We'll see what happens in 2006...

- I had problems with the University of Winnipeg earlier this year. Due to some technicalities I ended up not getting credit for a bunch of classes I was taking for the 04/05 year. FUll year courses. I ended up not attending most of the Winter Session, hating my new Classical Mythology Prof and became quite bitter towards the school. Things are better now, I hope. Never paying for tuition online again.

- I had two boyfriends this past year. Unfortunately due to choices that weren't my own, they didn't work out. Too bad, it would work.

- I turned 21 this year. We had a nie dinner at Sukhothai and did pumpkin carving at my place. It was a nice way to celebrate. I didn't want to party and go to the bar and it was nice just to spend the time with friends. Plus I don't think I'll ever forget Michelle and Matt's pumpkin.

- After several years I finally got down to collecting DVDs. It's a rather geeky collection, so I won't go into details.

- Lana developed arthritis this year. For a while it was really bad and we were treating her with painkillers. She seems to be getting better, but she needs to lose some weight. I need to run more. In the spring I plan on taking her out a lot more...it'll be good for her and me.

- Got my laptop in 2005. It was sort of my gift to myself. Joshua and my mother helped me pay for it at first, but I've since paid back that debt. It's been really helpful not only with school work, but with my novel and just everything in general. I also got my iPod this year (Happy Birthday me) which I love. Yay music.

- Had a crappy holiday season at the end of 2005. I've felt sort of lost and without any sort of direction. We'll see what happens with that, but for now I'm trying to move on and forget the past few weeks...

- Got my first credit cards this year. Boy was that a mistake. I've been really good at paying them off, but damn I'm using them a lot. Online purchases, groceries and lots of Christmas gifts. Hell I even used them to buy Jessica an overly expensive dress...

- Went to the ballet for the first time this year. Joshua, Jessica, Laura and myself got tickets for Dracula in October. It was amazing, and I loved it. I went to the Nutcracker in December with my mother (Christmas gift to her) which was equally as enjoyable, but no where near as impressive. I love the stage.

- I was supposed to move out in September of this year. I have most of everything I need and was prepared to get out there on my own. Ultimately however plans fell through, but I am still hoping to move out soon. New goal is April 31st, 2006. We'll see what happens I guess.

- Had a vehicle stolen for the first time this fall. Damn, that was a pain in the ass. I wish we could have caught whoever did it. At least we got it back though. Sigh.

- I made a resolution with myself in the Spring that I would never give up, despite how hopeless everything seemed. I didn't give up and I've worked really hard to improve my life. Even now I'm trying to make things better. As to whether it'll work, I don't know, but I have to continue to try.

- Developed an obsession for webcomics this year and planted the seeds for Laura's addiction. Damn Penny Arcade and it's infectious nature.

- Spent a few weeks of my life at Joshua's this year. It was nice to just get away and be with him. Webster was locked away and I found myself comfortable in his home. We even tore apart his room in an attempt to get him organized. Next time I'm going to empty that closet and not give him a choice but to deal with it...

- Threw a few big parties this year. The first big one, I was late to. Ended up having to work (damn me and my guilty conscience) and picked up a friend on the way home. Everyone was there except for me. Both BBQs and all the birthday parties and this years Christmas Party were a blast. All the pictures are of course online.

- Cut back a lot on slurpees this year. My addiction to sugar remains strong but I've been trying to eat better. Haven't had McDonalds in six months and I started drinking Booster Juice at school.

- Speaking of food, I had the most insane and expensive New Years dinner at the end of 2005. It was a six course meal and what I had included Duck, Bison and Caribou. There was a wonderful mousse dessert, a dance (scary), Champaign and all in all it was a good time. Overly expensive though.

- Saw a bunch of great movies, mostly in the last few months. The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Serenity, Corpse Bride, Constantine, Finding Neverland, Elektra, War of the Worlds, Rent...the list goes on. Definitely a good year for movies and I can't wait for Rent to come out on DVD.

- Got a new bed, desk, TV stand, floor and photo frames...my room really is becoming my own personal space now. Doesn't feel like home yet though...
...

...that is 2005. I'm sure I've missed things and I may add more to the list later. For now, that is my year; the good, the bad and the fairly neutral.

What If...

Well I'm back...

Welcome to 2006. It's been a rough transition for me so far, and I'm not sure how this year will turn out, but it seems to be on par with my last New Years. I feel kind of lost, kind of very lost. I can't say that I know where my life is going at all but I do realize it's time for a change. Whether that's my job, or school or where I live...I don't know. Either way, I have to move on and live my life. Don't know how that'll go.

I don't know what I should do, but I have to figure out something soon.

I've been a little down lately, haven't really had a proper appetite. Suggestions are more then welcome. I've been stressed out at work a lot lately, so I've been slowly trying to find a new job. I haven't even really sat down to vent/write lately, which has left my weblog a little bare for the past month. I should have some holiday pictures up soon, and hopefully I'll get back onto the writing track.

The holidays were...well I don't really know. Good and bad. Got some clothes and movies, gift certificates and a new winter jacket. Got more furniture, which is nice. My back has been hurting me a lot more lately, which is never a good sign. Haven't been sleeping. I think I just need to get back into a routine, maybe school starting will help.

So enough with the complaining...I leave you with the lyrics to a song that I've been listen to a lot lately. Enjoy...

-----------


Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart,
And it will not go away,
In my head I keep on looking back, right back to the start,
Wonderin' what it was that made you change,
Well I tried but I had to draw the line,
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind,

What if I had never let you go,
Would you be the man I used to know,
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time,
But I guess we'll never know...

Many roads to take, some to joy some to heart-ache,
Anyone can lose their way,
And if I said that we could turn it back, right back to the start,
Would you take the chance and make the change,
Do you think how it would have been sometimes,
Do you pray that I never left your side,

What if I had never let you go,
Would you be the man I used to know,
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time,
But I guess we'll never know...

If only we could turn the hands of time,
If I could take it back would you still be mine,
Cause I tried but I had to draw the line,
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind,

What if I had never let you go,
Would you be the man I used to know,
What if I had never walked away,
Cause I still love you more then I can say,
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time,
But I guess we'll never know...

We'll never know...