Thoughts In The Morning

Almost six AM and no sleep in sight. I can't seem to shut off my brain; it just continues to play songs, run through scenarios and rehash the same old thoughts in a continual cycle. "Does anybody even notice? Does anybody even care?" I've been watching a fair amount of Buffy lately, and CSI...the last quote being from 'Once More With Feeling.' Music sometimes helps...sometimes it makes it worse.

Round and round my brain goes and no matter how hard I try, I can't attain any sort of rest. I can't silence the voices in my head. The clock reads 5:45AM currently, I should have been in bed long ago. Well, I've been in bed, but I should have been asleep long ago. I have classes in a few hours, and then work after that.

I've been playing my instruments more lately, piano and flute mostly. Gonna break out the clarinet on Friday if I get a chance before work. Work till midnight, with Terri. Joy, bitterness abounds. And so the unstable cycle continues as I spiral into madness. Lack of sleep leads to lack of sanity...or maybe it's the other way around, I don't know anymore.

5:50AM. Tick tock goes the Cat & Bird Clock. It makes sense, really it does.

I lack reasonable direction in my life. Looking back at once was my existance I knew what I wanted, what lay ahead. Tomorrow is now a mystery. I second guess every decision, every idea. Am I doing what's best for me? What is really the ideal choice, what will bring me closer to happiness? What is happiness? Right now happiness would be a decent night sleep.

I understand that my ramblings have become arbitrary and difficult to read as of late. As such I wish to apologize to anyone who even reads this anymore. 5:55AM. Still no sleep in sight. I know that a lot of what I am putting down in words makes no sense, or appears more nonsensicale then my usual updates and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things lately, but that is all I can apologize for at this juncture.

Birthdays are coming up soon, Joshua, my mother, Carla. Countless others really, but none that are significant to me. Happy Birthday, I hope you all get what you want; whether it be a gift, a trip in the tropical sun or true happiness. Just be content and enjoy your day. I had a great birthday, finished a novel, spent time with loved ones. That seems so long ago, like a lost dream. A very merry unbirthday to everyone else, by the way.

6:00AM, time to wrap this up. Randomness concluded, for now. I'll take another stab at sleep...maybe the voices will be a little calming this time around. Good night, or good morning...not really sure which is which anymore.