Done Some Searching

I've done a lot of soul searching tonight...

Joshua's birthday party was earlier, I wasn't able to attend all of the festivities due to certain problems. I came home and rested, watched some Buffy DVDs, talked to a few friends and rested. Later, I began surfing online and somehow came upon the photo album of someone I don't much like. Flipping through the album I came to some realizations, powerful but overly simple in their design...

Flipping past pictures of parties and bar nights I was reminded of events over the past few years of my life. Nights wasted stressing over drunk individuals and searching for a fun night out. I was reminded about how I thought at the time that I liked that life, the person I was turning into, the people I spent my time with. In retrospect I'm disgusted with how far I fell. I allowed myself to transform into one of those heartless, shallow people that I look down upon...one of the people that I'm better then.

Yes you may be thinking that's a little harsh, but just bear with me a moment...

I strayed from who I really am, and started to become someone I didn't really like. I ended up losing some friends and eventually lost the one person I really loved in this world. I screwed up my life even more then it's screwed up now. Instead of dealing with it, I just blocked it out. I paid for that mistake...rather then dealing with it then I spent eight month fighting to become happy again. I struggled each day to feel again, to become the person I once was.

Tonight I realize that isn't possible. I can't turn back the clock and change into who I was. I am different then I was two years ago. I'm more experienced, wiser and a better person. I can look back and see how I've grown, and how I will continue to grow. Looking back at those pictures and all those people I can't stand I realize that I never again want to be part of that world. Instead I look to my own photos and see memories of the people I care about, the people I love.

Sure, life is hell right now, but I'll continue on. I'm stubborn and I don't give up...it's part of what makes me who I am. I'll keep on writing, and working and studying, and I'll live my life. I don't know if that'll be here in Winnipeg, in Ottawa or beyond...but it'll be my life, and sure it might not be perfect, and it might not be like how it was two years ago...but it'll be my life to live. Thanks Ty, for making me thinking about things in a different light.

Time to get some rest and prepare to face a new day...